guilty of feeling this way (⁠-⁠_⁠-⁠;⁠)⁠・⁠・⁠・

 

༘⋆₊ ⊹★🔭๋࣭ ⭑⋆｡˚

never thought liking a guy would turn myself into someone my younger self wouldn't recognise.

  i don't necessarily mean that in the worst way, but it's definitely not the best thing too. i used to be so cautious when talking to boys, so i don't appear too friendly and open. i disliked acting very "girly" and overtly feminine, and i used to always be "the tough girl".

  i think it all changed ever since the third year of middle school. there is this guy who i began to like. the reason is as old as time... because "he's different". while other guys keep their cool, doesn't change their immature jokes, — overall doing whatever straight boys always do — he's a little bit not like that.

  his true personality is more apparent through the way he texts, i noticed. he would use kaomojis, embarrassed emojis,... basically the way he texts is similar to a girl. i have heard him speak too, and he reminds me of those polite boys whose close friends consist of mostly girls.

  enough introduction, i have went through this phase long ago. turns out our feelings are equally mutual, and this was where i became someone else. i guess some of his traits grew on me. i began acting "girly", not caring if my voice is too "squeaky" when i speak, laughing with my mouth covered... i think i became a girl because of a boy.

  and it's not because i think "i should appear cuter when he's around", but really, because i like being his friend. i like his personality. i like to have some of his personality. anyways, we don't exactly have a real relationship going on. we're just staying friends because, let's admit it, that is still too early for us. why waste time labouring on your feelings during a time when other important things deserve your energy more?

  although, sometimes i find myself blurring the lines between being a friend and a lover. there were a few times we talked (through texts) for so long, it's past midnight by the time we end it. i keep saying to others "he's just a normal friend", but the closeness between the two of us within those few midnight hours was something friends don't really do, no?

  sorry if this one was too long. i think i have more on my mind, but each time i try to elaborate, it goes on and on and drags the topic way further...

≻─────˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚─────≺

do i want to die (⁠・⁠_⁠・⁠;⁠)

 

⟡𖦹⊹ ࣪ ˖꒰ঌ ໒꒱𓍯ʚɞ‧

recently i have been plagued by this lingering feeling of wanting to stop living. which does not exactly mean that i want to die.

  it's more towards wanting to take a break of living... but that's not exactly it either. frankly, i don't even know what do i mean by this. perhaps it means i want to stop living in "this way", and start over with "another way of living".

  i have for a long time hated the way i am. i'm starting to accept myself physically — the way i look — but other aspects... i still hate them. the way i act subconsciously sometimes, the way my voice sounds sometimes, the complex attachments i get for people around me, the habits i have failed to get rid of... the list goes on. i think i could spend days rambling about what i dislike about myself.

  yesterday and today, i feel suffocated. not in a metaphorical way. i actually feel suffocated, from my lungs, my throat. the phrase "there is a lump in my throat" is starting to make sense to me. but instead of just a "lump", i also experience difficulty of breathing. no, it doesn't feel like asthma. my breathing feels heavy, stuck... as if each breath i take requires thinking, as if it's manual... but my words here don't even describe it perfectly.

  another thing is that lately i have this sensation of almost crying my eyes out, but i never do. the sadness i feel just tugs at my heart. heavy enough to ruin my day in an instant, but not heavy enough until i could easily express it with crying. there is a lot on my mind right now. but i'm so sure nobody will understand any of it.

  time is moving so fast. i have no time to think. i don't even know what to think about. this despair is caused by myself. i'm certain about that, but somehow i can't get myself moving and solve them. this is more than a vicious, endless cycle. it's like if the "endless cycle" they always portray out there is made into an abstract mathematical shape. like the klein bottle, the stair paradox, the 4-dimension cube... i don't know. i hope this feeling ends soon. i really pray so.

  i have to end this with a pretty border too, that's the format.

˚　✦.　. 🪐　 ˚　. 　　. ✦　　.　　˚　🌒　. ✦