guilty of feeling this way (⁠-⁠_⁠-⁠;⁠)⁠・⁠・⁠・

 

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never thought liking a guy would turn myself into someone my younger self wouldn't recognise.

  i don't necessarily mean that in the worst way, but it's definitely not the best thing too. i used to be so cautious when talking to boys, so i don't appear too friendly and open. i disliked acting very "girly" and overtly feminine, and i used to always be "the tough girl".

  i think it all changed ever since the third year of middle school. there is this guy who i began to like. the reason is as old as time... because "he's different". while other guys keep their cool, doesn't change their immature jokes, — overall doing whatever straight boys always do — he's a little bit not like that.

  his true personality is more apparent through the way he texts, i noticed. he would use kaomojis, embarrassed emojis,... basically the way he texts is similar to a girl. i have heard him speak too, and he reminds me of those polite boys whose close friends consist of mostly girls.

  enough introduction, i have went through this phase long ago. turns out our feelings are equally mutual, and this was where i became someone else. i guess some of his traits grew on me. i began acting "girly", not caring if my voice is too "squeaky" when i speak, laughing with my mouth covered... i think i became a girl because of a boy.

  and it's not because i think "i should appear cuter when he's around", but really, because i like being his friend. i like his personality. i like to have some of his personality. anyways, we don't exactly have a real relationship going on. we're just staying friends because, let's admit it, that is still too early for us. why waste time labouring on your feelings during a time when other important things deserve your energy more?

  although, sometimes i find myself blurring the lines between being a friend and a lover. there were a few times we talked (through texts) for so long, it's past midnight by the time we end it. i keep saying to others "he's just a normal friend", but the closeness between the two of us within those few midnight hours was something friends don't really do, no?

  sorry if this one was too long. i think i have more on my mind, but each time i try to elaborate, it goes on and on and drags the topic way further...

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