alter ego //

 

: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊

  it has been a very long time since i last posted anything here. i still like writing and babbling about my life, but it's just that i feel like nothing in my life has felt interesting enough to write about here. well, up until now, it seems.

  i have been wondering and thinking about myself lately. not in a narcissistic way (well, i hope) but rather in a way that i'm trying hard to figure out my own inner workings. have you, even once, wondered what exactly is yourself?

  for the past few months, or several weeks — i have lost count — i have this constant thought that i don't know myself. that is, my true personality, my true intentions, my true desires, my true ambitions...

  what does it exactly mean to know yourself? i don't believe that simply knowing your MBTI means "truly knowing your personality". 

do my real intentions and self show up when i make impulsive choices? or do they show up when i think deeply for every decision i make? but i secretly believe that, the longer the time i am given to think, the easier it is for me to produce a pretentious idea, therefore making a pretentious decision that is not my true desire. so, how do i know which thoughts of mine are truly my own thinking?

i have also been thinking that i have no real personality to myself. not in the way that "i am a boring person with no humour", but in the way that "everything i do feels like an act, feels like i am using someone else's personality to react to certain situations". i'm starting to think that i might not have so much empathy in myself after all. 

it feels like a lengthy post, yet it feels still shallow. it's as if i have said so much, yet i haven't explained anything at all. perhaps i'll revisit this site once i've found my words to better elaborate what i think. although, i don't think i'll be writing here soon enough.

˒˓ ᪄ ࣪ ⩁ ݂ ᘐ ݁   ✧ ⠀˙⠀ ˖ ⁺ ༝ ۫　 ݃ ｡  ꕮ ꣑    

guilty of feeling this way (⁠-⁠_⁠-⁠;⁠)⁠・⁠・⁠・

 

༘⋆₊ ⊹★🔭๋࣭ ⭑⋆｡˚

never thought liking a guy would turn myself into someone my younger self wouldn't recognise.

  i don't necessarily mean that in the worst way, but it's definitely not the best thing too. i used to be so cautious when talking to boys, so i don't appear too friendly and open. i disliked acting very "girly" and overtly feminine, and i used to always be "the tough girl".

  i think it all changed ever since the third year of middle school. there is this guy who i began to like. the reason is as old as time... because "he's different". while other guys keep their cool, doesn't change their immature jokes, — overall doing whatever straight boys always do — he's a little bit not like that.

  his true personality is more apparent through the way he texts, i noticed. he would use kaomojis, embarrassed emojis,... basically the way he texts is similar to a girl. i have heard him speak too, and he reminds me of those polite boys whose close friends consist of mostly girls.

  enough introduction, i have went through this phase long ago. turns out our feelings are equally mutual, and this was where i became someone else. i guess some of his traits grew on me. i began acting "girly", not caring if my voice is too "squeaky" when i speak, laughing with my mouth covered... i think i became a girl because of a boy.

  and it's not because i think "i should appear cuter when he's around", but really, because i like being his friend. i like his personality. i like to have some of his personality. anyways, we don't exactly have a real relationship going on. we're just staying friends because, let's admit it, that is still too early for us. why waste time labouring on your feelings during a time when other important things deserve your energy more?

  although, sometimes i find myself blurring the lines between being a friend and a lover. there were a few times we talked (through texts) for so long, it's past midnight by the time we end it. i keep saying to others "he's just a normal friend", but the closeness between the two of us within those few midnight hours was something friends don't really do, no?

  sorry if this one was too long. i think i have more on my mind, but each time i try to elaborate, it goes on and on and drags the topic way further...

≻─────˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚─────≺

do i want to die (⁠・⁠_⁠・⁠;⁠)

 

⟡𖦹⊹ ࣪ ˖꒰ঌ ໒꒱𓍯ʚɞ‧

recently i have been plagued by this lingering feeling of wanting to stop living. which does not exactly mean that i want to die.

  it's more towards wanting to take a break of living... but that's not exactly it either. frankly, i don't even know what do i mean by this. perhaps it means i want to stop living in "this way", and start over with "another way of living".

  i have for a long time hated the way i am. i'm starting to accept myself physically — the way i look — but other aspects... i still hate them. the way i act subconsciously sometimes, the way my voice sounds sometimes, the complex attachments i get for people around me, the habits i have failed to get rid of... the list goes on. i think i could spend days rambling about what i dislike about myself.

  yesterday and today, i feel suffocated. not in a metaphorical way. i actually feel suffocated, from my lungs, my throat. the phrase "there is a lump in my throat" is starting to make sense to me. but instead of just a "lump", i also experience difficulty of breathing. no, it doesn't feel like asthma. my breathing feels heavy, stuck... as if each breath i take requires thinking, as if it's manual... but my words here don't even describe it perfectly.

  another thing is that lately i have this sensation of almost crying my eyes out, but i never do. the sadness i feel just tugs at my heart. heavy enough to ruin my day in an instant, but not heavy enough until i could easily express it with crying. there is a lot on my mind right now. but i'm so sure nobody will understand any of it.

  time is moving so fast. i have no time to think. i don't even know what to think about. this despair is caused by myself. i'm certain about that, but somehow i can't get myself moving and solve them. this is more than a vicious, endless cycle. it's like if the "endless cycle" they always portray out there is made into an abstract mathematical shape. like the klein bottle, the stair paradox, the 4-dimension cube... i don't know. i hope this feeling ends soon. i really pray so.

  i have to end this with a pretty border too, that's the format.

˚　✦.　. 🪐　 ˚　. 　　. ✦　　.　　˚　🌒　. ✦ 

hangout w classmates!!! (⁠☉⁠｡⁠☉⁠)

 

১૮₍´｡ᵔ ꈊ ᵔ｡`₎ა₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚

yesterday i had a hangout with my friends @ sunway!!! (ignore adam he just looks like that)

  we all initially planned to simultaneously arrive around 2 - 2.30pm, but me and the girls had transport issues and arrived around 3pm.... we ate at sukiya , and i had takoyakis!! ⋋⁠✿⁠ ⁠⁰⁠ ⁠o⁠ ⁠⁰⁠ ⁠✿⁠⋌

  after we finished eating, we met the guys at the new arcade ✧⁠\⁠(⁠>⁠o⁠<⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠✧ the games were pretty costly (in terms of tokens) ... but i suppose it's just bcs i brought too little cash.... i thought they accepted bank cards !!! =⁠_⁠=

  it's always funny when you coincidentally wear similar clothes to someone when meeting in groups ಡ⁠ ͜⁠ ⁠ʖ⁠ ⁠ಡ anyways i got cofee bean & tea leaf with girls!!! i had vanilla latte (which i regret finishing too quickly — i had a bad stomachache at the end of the day...)

  (⁠ㆁ⁠ω⁠ㆁ⁠) goofed out when we were abt to take pics before going home!! but overall i'm rlly grateful for all the fun we had !!! we should do this again next year (⁠人⁠*⁠´⁠∀⁠｀⁠)⁠｡⁠*ﾟ

౨ৎ༝༚༝༚⟡𖦹⊹ ࣪ ˖꒰ঌ ໒꒱𓍯ʚɞ‧₊

exams are done!!!

 

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ☆

hello!!! yesterday was the last day of endyear exams!! ᕙ⁠(⁠☉⁠ਊ⁠☉⁠)⁠ᕗ

  finally .... the burden has been lifted off me... (⁠✷⁠‿⁠✷⁠) i can now play games all i want!!! and do much more fun things!! 

  in two weeks i have a hangout planned out with my friends! we're going to the mall and ... do some things ＼⁠(⁠^⁠o⁠^⁠)⁠／ one of them suggested going to the new arcade that just opened there!! well, i don't have anything particular in my head, so i'll just follow them around lolz o⁠:-)

  i do hope to buy some cute thingz !! idk, merch or whatever ╮⁠(⁠＾⁠▽⁠＾⁠)⁠╭  don't mind, we'll just see what's to come on that day!!! so very excited !!!

⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁﹏⊹ ࣪ ˖ 

a little afraid

 

⋆.ೃ࿔.𖥔 ݁ ˖*:･༄

tomorrow is the start of endyear exams...

  for tomorrow specifically i'm not tooo intimidated since it's BM and health ed exams... BM i think i write good essays and health ed .. i don't care too much about it ಠ⁠‿⁠ಠ

  but the rest of the days are quite scary. our exams are on every two days, so on wednesday we'd have science exam... i really have to score in science and maths as backup plan, just in case i don't get accepted into vocational college (⁠๑⁠•⁠﹏⁠•⁠) 

  i say science and maths bcs the science stream seems the most uhh interesting in this school?? also bcs probably a lot of my friends are gonna be in the science class. suuree.... it's gonna be hard for me if i DO get into science class,, bcs of the additional subjects like physics and bio....

  but looking at other streams they don't interest me at all honestly!!! we don't even have art stream in this school.... well, none that i would call "art stream classes". (⁠─⁠.⁠─⁠|⁠|⁠） (reason why i want to pursue graphic design in KV)

  i'll just do whatever i can to score alright this time!!! pls pray for me... so i get excellent grades and get into KV... although the first one seems sooo impossible atp ..... .⁠·⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠(⁠>⁠▂⁠<⁠)⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠·⁠.

🍙𓏲 ˚₊✮ 𓏲 ˚₊✮

thinking... (⁠-⁠_⁠-⁠メ⁠)

・┆✦ʚ♡ɞ✦ ┆・

hello!!! it has been a looong while since i last upped a blog entry!!! lately my life felt soo rushed, i don't even have the time to process anything...

  anyways, exams are coming up!! very soon.. in 3 days (⁠*⁠﹏⁠*⁠;⁠)ヘ⁠（⁠。⁠□⁠°) i don't even know if i'm ready for it... after this some of my classmates will go to other schools. hell, most likely even me!! 

  talking about changing schools, i know i'll miss everyone i know here. even if i don't go anywhere, there will be a lot of people going away... (⁠ᗒ⁠ᗩ⁠ᗕ⁠) 

  i wonder what will we become in the future. someone will become a lawyer, another will become a surgeon and another will be a teacher... while i'm still looking for an ambition (⁠눈⁠‸⁠눈⁠) i think i'll just try to pass with good grades in every exams and.. work a decent job ಠಿ⁠_⁠ಠ

  aaahhhh thinking about the future suckkss !!!! so much uncertainties... the longer i think the more scared i become. whatever... just gotta focus on this upcoming exams and score at least a few As !!

༘⋆₊ ⊹★🔭๋࣭ ⭑⋆｡˚