⟡𖦹⊹ ࣪ ˖꒰ঌ ໒꒱𓍯ʚɞ‧
recently i have been plagued by this lingering feeling of wanting to stop living. which does not exactly mean that i want to die.
it's more towards wanting to take a break of living... but that's not exactly it either. frankly, i don't even know what do i mean by this. perhaps it means i want to stop living in "this way", and start over with "another way of living".
i have for a long time hated the way i am. i'm starting to accept myself physically — the way i look — but other aspects... i still hate them. the way i act subconsciously sometimes, the way my voice sounds sometimes, the complex attachments i get for people around me, the habits i have failed to get rid of... the list goes on. i think i could spend days rambling about what i dislike about myself.
yesterday and today, i feel suffocated. not in a metaphorical way. i actually feel suffocated, from my lungs, my throat. the phrase "there is a lump in my throat" is starting to make sense to me. but instead of just a "lump", i also experience difficulty of breathing. no, it doesn't feel like asthma. my breathing feels heavy, stuck... as if each breath i take requires thinking, as if it's manual... but my words here don't even describe it perfectly.
another thing is that lately i have this sensation of almost crying my eyes out, but i never do. the sadness i feel just tugs at my heart. heavy enough to ruin my day in an instant, but not heavy enough until i could easily express it with crying. there is a lot on my mind right now. but i'm so sure nobody will understand any of it.
time is moving so fast. i have no time to think. i don't even know what to think about. this despair is caused by myself. i'm certain about that, but somehow i can't get myself moving and solve them. this is more than a vicious, endless cycle. it's like if the "endless cycle" they always portray out there is made into an abstract mathematical shape. like the klein bottle, the stair paradox, the 4-dimension cube... i don't know. i hope this feeling ends soon. i really pray so.
i have to end this with a pretty border too, that's the format.
˚ ✦. . 🪐 ˚ . . ✦ . ˚ 🌒 . ✦